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January 18, 2012

Can we all just agree that it has been a weird year so far.  Let’s do a brief recap of some of the recent madness.

Today the internet is broken.  Mostly because of geeky SOPA protests, which I support.  That sentence fragment may be unclear.  I do not support SOPA.  SOPA is a piece of shit.  I support the geeky protests which have resulted in sites like Wikipedia going black.  I took full advantage.  I asked my brother if he was aware that the treaty JFK signed with aliens at Area 51 was set to expire next year.  He spent 2 minutes trying to find any reference to the story online.  My brother is Jesse Ventura.

Titanic 2 happened.

Babyonce was born, and it turns out that cringe inducing internet name for her fetus was better than the name they gave her when she came out.

The best jokes at the Golden Globes this year were penis jokes, and not the ones Ricky Gervais told .  In fact, he was not all that funny this year.   Ah well.   At least I got some penis jokes out of the three hours I invested.  I do love a good penis joke.

Stephen Colbert is running for President of the United States of South Carolina.  Even though he’s not on the ballot.  And his Super Pac ran an ad calling Mitt Romney a serial killer.  And the voice over was done by Trinity Killer, John Lithgow!  I love the Republican primary so hard.

And finally, this.  This dude couldn’t stop The Happening from terrorizing us, so I have a few doubts about his ability to stop a hijacking and safely land an aircraft.  With his penis.  Dirk Diggler.  Always go out on a penis joke.

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Hey, Blue

January 12, 2012

About to give this sweet girl career advice.

Hope you’re having a good week so far.  You finally made it onto Billboard’s chart.  About fucking time.  The thing to do now is just keep ’em coming.  Really keep your priorities straight because you may be tempted to just grab some R&R in your $3,000 crib after such a smashing success.  That would be a mistake.

Listen, I get that you want to enjoy a little time with family and friends, but that is no way to become a baby mogul.  Think more about collaborations with Chris Martin and less about play dates with Apple.  (Your understanding of language is a little rudimentary at this point.  Let me explain.  Yes, apple is also a piece of fruit as well as a software/tech company.  In this case the reference is to a human child belonging to Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow.  Hey, stop being so judgey, BLUE.)

There are some people you may want to work with if you are not feeling totally confident in your abilities at the moment:

Lady Gaga:  You don’t even have to sing/cry.  She will probably just wear you as a hat, and it will be awful.  But it will get attention.  Attention is all that matters in life.  Which leads us to…

Kanye West:  You are all too familiar with ego mania.  You see it all the time.  You could probably write a book, amiright?   (Hey, you should write a book.  Have your first draft done by next week.)  Anyway.  Uncle Ye will take that term to new levels.  Use it to your advantage.  Start sing/crying.  He will interrupt you and never let you finish, but you got a few syllables in.  Collab accomplished!  Fact:  That knock knock joke about the interrupting cow.  Totally based on Kanye.

Skrillex:  Just bang some pots and pans together.  Or do your signature sing/cry.  Whatever.  Just make noise.  A baby could manufacture this shit.  No offense.

Chris Brown: Don’t ever collaborate with Chris Brown!!!!!!

T Pain:  You are going to sound amazing auto tuned.  Be sure to do this one on a boat.

I won’t take up any more of your time.  You’ve got an empire to build.  But don’t get cocky kid.  Your name is still Blue Ivy which sound like a Sherwin Williams paint color.  (Endorsement opportunity!)

Community is my War Horse

December 8, 2011

You know that story, War Horse, where a boy’s beloved horse is sold to the Army during World War I.  The boy is completely distraught at the separation.  He would join the war effort himself  just to be close to his buddy, only he is too young.  So instead, he sits at home on Thursday nights and cries  for approximately 30 minutes, starting at 8pm.

Wait.  Nope.  That last one is me because Community is going away on a who knows how long hiatus, not to mention its questionable renewal status for a fourth season.  I feel like I’ve lost  my War Horse, my Horsebot 3000.  And if you assholes would have watched Community, not only would you get that reference, but it might not be going away!

I apologize for that outburst.  I just get so Changry knowing that Whitney has been promoted like a Kardashian wedding, but unlike a Kardashian marriage, it still exists.  And Two and a Half Men?  Yep, that’s still a thing.  These shows are the upper deckers of the network television toilet, and yet it’s Community that might get flushed.  I don’t know if that metaphor even made sense, but cut me some slack.  I’m no Troy Barnes when it comes to plumbing.

Here is the one good thing that could come out of the mid season break:  You now have some time to catch up on Community before it comes back on to finish the season.  Huzzah!!

It will be educational:

  • Learn what it takes to be a member of the chicken finger mafia
  • Take your paintball strategy up a notch, then another notch after that
  • Make it to Level 5 Laser Lotus in record time by staying “Streets Ahead”
  • Discover tactics of surviving a zombie outbreak
  • Study Batman Behavior 101
  • Find out a surprising way to defeat Norwegian Troll Dolls that defies logic
  • Finally learn the answer to the question “What’s dean got to do with it?”

So put up your best blanket fort and get to watching all the Greendale goodness you’ve been missing the past 3 years.  Hulu just picked up every episode if that helps motivate  you.  If that doesn’t do it, imagine me descending into the darkest depths of pathetic where I spend all my time creating YouTube Community tribute videos set to sad Sara McLachlan songs, decrying the demise of one of the best television comedies of all time.  Please do your part to prevent this.  I want to stay a mostly normal Human Being.