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Hey, Blue

January 12, 2012

About to give this sweet girl career advice.

Hope you’re having a good week so far.  You finally made it onto Billboard’s chart.  About fucking time.  The thing to do now is just keep ’em coming.  Really keep your priorities straight because you may be tempted to just grab some R&R in your $3,000 crib after such a smashing success.  That would be a mistake.

Listen, I get that you want to enjoy a little time with family and friends, but that is no way to become a baby mogul.  Think more about collaborations with Chris Martin and less about play dates with Apple.  (Your understanding of language is a little rudimentary at this point.  Let me explain.  Yes, apple is also a piece of fruit as well as a software/tech company.  In this case the reference is to a human child belonging to Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow.  Hey, stop being so judgey, BLUE.)

There are some people you may want to work with if you are not feeling totally confident in your abilities at the moment:

Lady Gaga:  You don’t even have to sing/cry.  She will probably just wear you as a hat, and it will be awful.  But it will get attention.  Attention is all that matters in life.  Which leads us to…

Kanye West:  You are all too familiar with ego mania.  You see it all the time.  You could probably write a book, amiright?   (Hey, you should write a book.  Have your first draft done by next week.)  Anyway.  Uncle Ye will take that term to new levels.  Use it to your advantage.  Start sing/crying.  He will interrupt you and never let you finish, but you got a few syllables in.  Collab accomplished!  Fact:  That knock knock joke about the interrupting cow.  Totally based on Kanye.

Skrillex:  Just bang some pots and pans together.  Or do your signature sing/cry.  Whatever.  Just make noise.  A baby could manufacture this shit.  No offense.

Chris Brown: Don’t ever collaborate with Chris Brown!!!!!!

T Pain:  You are going to sound amazing auto tuned.  Be sure to do this one on a boat.

I won’t take up any more of your time.  You’ve got an empire to build.  But don’t get cocky kid.  Your name is still Blue Ivy which sound like a Sherwin Williams paint color.  (Endorsement opportunity!)

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One Response to “Hey, Blue”


  1. […] Babyonce was born, and it turns out that cringe inducing internet name for her fetus was better than the name they gave her when she came out. […]


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