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I threaten to close my Facebook account daily.  So many things on my timeline are mundane, ridiculous, whiny, self-congratulatory, idiotic, racist, sexist, homophobic, redundant or pitifully desperate.  Rarely is anything  informative, entertaining, snarky, clever, funny, generous, inspirational or worth the five minutes I spent scrolling down the page.  If it weren’t for out of town family and the few friends I care to keep in touch with, that account would be long gone.

I need more duck hunters on my Facebook

I have never been tempted to leave Twitter behind, however.  It is where I go to find all the things Facebook lacks.  The people there never disappoint me.  Handflapper is one of those people.  The ongoing saga between her and her arch nemesis, Hellbaby, entertains in ways Farmville could only dream of.  SO STOP WITH THE FARMVILLE REQUESTS!

Therefore, when Handflapper orders me to answer questions, I obey.  In answering these questions, I may have revealed myself to be a weirdo, but weirdos are usually pretty fun at parties.  As long as it is not a beach or space party in my case.  You’ll see.

1. What is your most irrational, ridiculous fear and in what way, if any, does this interfere with your daily activities?  Tsunamis are my irrational fear.  Or at least everyone thought it was irrational until there were like a million tsunamis (2) that devastated coastal landscapes in several countries.  It does interfere w/my life when I am on the coast, which is pretty frequently.  I am always looking for escape routes, or trying to determine which building/tree is the tallest and sturdiest.  I am not the person you should spend a relaxing day on the beach with.

2. Have you ever had head lice, and if yes, when?  No, but now my head itches.  I am very impressionable.

3. Picard or Kirk, and why? And if you don’t know what I’m talking about, you should. Shame on you.  I don’t know who Picard is, but it doesn’t matter.  Kirk all the way!  He was so dreamy in Growing Pains.  Okay, honestly.  I have no opinion.  In the nerd battle of Star Wars vs. Star Trek, I am Team I Hate Space.  No, really.  It’s another of my irrational fears. 

4. How often, ever if, do you sweep/vacuum your floors?  I actually just swept this morning while waiting for my coffee to brew.  Once a week is the norm, but don’t you dare ask me how often I mop.  That could get embarrassing.

5. What is the scariest movie you have ever seen?  I remember being pretty freaked out after watching What Lies Beneath.  That may have had more to do with the fact that my roommates were all gone, and the view from our living room was a graveyard.  Still not as scary as footage of a tsunami or NASA photographs, though.

6. What is the worst movie you have ever seen? (I love both scary and poorly made movies with all my heart.)  The best worst movie I have ever seen is The Room.  And honestly, it will be hard to beat that for sheer entertainment value.  Truly awful movies that I walked out on: Gigli and Simply Irresistible.

7. Have you ever peed in the shower? HONEST ANSWERS ONLY.  Of course.  That’s what happens when you are chugging beers in the shower.  College was a classy time.  I wore shower shoes.

8. What is it about coffee that you people like so much?  It’s a legal stimulant.  What’s not to like? 

9. Would you rather have a cupcake or a real, honest-to-goodness as-god-intended-it piece of cake? Think carefully before answering. I’ll totally judge you if you say cupcake.  Save your judgement for my irrational fears and college shower antics.  I choose cake!

10. How many Jeremy London movies have you seen, and for god’s sake, why?  I don’t know of any, but…..I did watch Party of Five!  He played Griffin, and he was adorable.  Also, Matthew Fox and Scott Wolf were there.  Plus some girls that really worked your eye rolling muscles.  Like that stripper that came between Kirsten and Charlie.  Ugh.  Don’t get me started.

11. Can you recommend any hardy menstruating prostitutes for a Bigfoot expedition?  Kim Kardashian.  Just think, if she and that hulking ex-husband of hers had decided to procreate, I am pretty sure their spawn could have been classified as a Sasquatch.  Her mom would have made a reality show about it.  Then no one could deny the existence of Bigfoot.  But, alas, it was not a provision in the fake marriage contract meant to be.

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O Bambusrohr, O Bambusrohr

December 1, 2011

It’s that time of year again.  The lights have been painstakingly strung, crowds are anxiously gathering, and Tony Bennett is warming up to sing/speak some classic carols.  It’s the momentous lighting of the tree in Rockefeller Center!

Well, you can keep your big, fancy tree, NYC.  Because I have my bamboo poles.

A thing of beauty is a joy forever

That’s right.  In lieu of a Christmas tree this year, I have two bamboo rods.  I should let you know that this is not an attempt at holiday cheer that is born out of poverty, unless you are wealthy and would like to be my patron.  It’s more of a lazy, I don’t have time for all the picking out, decorating and cleaning up after a real tree situation.  Plus, using bamboo allows me to feel smugly superior to all you conifer killers out there.  It’s like the Prius of Christmas decorations.

There’s an argument to be made that it’s more like the Ford Taurus of Christmas decorations.  But that is an argument I will be ignoring.

The festivities went down thusly:  I put the poles in a planter.  I wrapped some white lights, to keep it classy, around the base of the planter and all the way up the bamboo.  It was then that I realized I needed to have some accompanying music for the hanging of the ornaments.  So, I sang “Bullet With Butterfly Wings”.  Shut up.  It mentions Jesus.  Once the decorative pine cones were in place it was time to find a topper.  And what is more appropriate than mistletoe for two poles that are bound together in a passionate, forever smooch by strands of lights?  Sorry, didn’t mean to get all PG-13 on you.  To appease the traditionalists, there is a star up there too.  And I’d also like to believe there are invisible angels circling at all times, singing glorious choruses of praise to the giant wood in my living room.  Rated R.