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January 18, 2012

Can we all just agree that it has been a weird year so far.  Let’s do a brief recap of some of the recent madness.

Today the internet is broken.  Mostly because of geeky SOPA protests, which I support.  That sentence fragment may be unclear.  I do not support SOPA.  SOPA is a piece of shit.  I support the geeky protests which have resulted in sites like Wikipedia going black.  I took full advantage.  I asked my brother if he was aware that the treaty JFK signed with aliens at Area 51 was set to expire next year.  He spent 2 minutes trying to find any reference to the story online.  My brother is Jesse Ventura.

Titanic 2 happened.

Babyonce was born, and it turns out that cringe inducing internet name for her fetus was better than the name they gave her when she came out.

The best jokes at the Golden Globes this year were penis jokes, and not the ones Ricky Gervais told .  In fact, he was not all that funny this year.   Ah well.   At least I got some penis jokes out of the three hours I invested.  I do love a good penis joke.

Stephen Colbert is running for President of the United States of South Carolina.  Even though he’s not on the ballot.  And his Super Pac ran an ad calling Mitt Romney a serial killer.  And the voice over was done by Trinity Killer, John Lithgow!  I love the Republican primary so hard.

And finally, this.  This dude couldn’t stop The Happening from terrorizing us, so I have a few doubts about his ability to stop a hijacking and safely land an aircraft.  With his penis.  Dirk Diggler.  Always go out on a penis joke.

Hey, Blue

January 12, 2012

About to give this sweet girl career advice.

Hope you’re having a good week so far.  You finally made it onto Billboard’s chart.  About fucking time.  The thing to do now is just keep ’em coming.  Really keep your priorities straight because you may be tempted to just grab some R&R in your $3,000 crib after such a smashing success.  That would be a mistake.

Listen, I get that you want to enjoy a little time with family and friends, but that is no way to become a baby mogul.  Think more about collaborations with Chris Martin and less about play dates with Apple.  (Your understanding of language is a little rudimentary at this point.  Let me explain.  Yes, apple is also a piece of fruit as well as a software/tech company.  In this case the reference is to a human child belonging to Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow.  Hey, stop being so judgey, BLUE.)

There are some people you may want to work with if you are not feeling totally confident in your abilities at the moment:

Lady Gaga:  You don’t even have to sing/cry.  She will probably just wear you as a hat, and it will be awful.  But it will get attention.  Attention is all that matters in life.  Which leads us to…

Kanye West:  You are all too familiar with ego mania.  You see it all the time.  You could probably write a book, amiright?   (Hey, you should write a book.  Have your first draft done by next week.)  Anyway.  Uncle Ye will take that term to new levels.  Use it to your advantage.  Start sing/crying.  He will interrupt you and never let you finish, but you got a few syllables in.  Collab accomplished!  Fact:  That knock knock joke about the interrupting cow.  Totally based on Kanye.

Skrillex:  Just bang some pots and pans together.  Or do your signature sing/cry.  Whatever.  Just make noise.  A baby could manufacture this shit.  No offense.

Chris Brown: Don’t ever collaborate with Chris Brown!!!!!!

T Pain:  You are going to sound amazing auto tuned.  Be sure to do this one on a boat.

I won’t take up any more of your time.  You’ve got an empire to build.  But don’t get cocky kid.  Your name is still Blue Ivy which sound like a Sherwin Williams paint color.  (Endorsement opportunity!)