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Island of Misfit Candy

December 22, 2011

I was digging through a  child’s Halloween candy stash this week.  Don’t even try to shame me.  It won’t work.  With less than a week until Christmas,  I knew what to expect, the proverbial and literal bottom of the Halloween candy barrel.  The primo candy, your Snickers, Twix, Starburst etc., is always the first to go.  But when you hit mid December there is nothing left but a pile of  taste bud travesty.  Here are the usual offenders:

-Twizzlers:  Ugh.  I know there are people who like this stuff, but I cannot figure out why.  It is a red rubber rope.  And that is how it tastes.  Rubbery.  And red.  Yummy?

-Chocolate Malt Balls: I was convinced as a child that they were moth balls that had been dipped in chocolate.  I stand by that.

-Tootsie Rolls:  And speaking of chocolate, who the hell do you think you are kidding, Ms Tootsie.  This tastes nothing like chocolate.  It looks like a turd.  It tastes worse.  How is this still a thing?

This is a dung heap of sugar.  It should be banished to the island of misfit candy.  And it better not even fucking try to weasel its way back into my life via stocking.

Community is my War Horse

December 8, 2011

You know that story, War Horse, where a boy’s beloved horse is sold to the Army during World War I.  The boy is completely distraught at the separation.  He would join the war effort himself  just to be close to his buddy, only he is too young.  So instead, he sits at home on Thursday nights and cries  for approximately 30 minutes, starting at 8pm.

Wait.  Nope.  That last one is me because Community is going away on a who knows how long hiatus, not to mention its questionable renewal status for a fourth season.  I feel like I’ve lost  my War Horse, my Horsebot 3000.  And if you assholes would have watched Community, not only would you get that reference, but it might not be going away!

I apologize for that outburst.  I just get so Changry knowing that Whitney has been promoted like a Kardashian wedding, but unlike a Kardashian marriage, it still exists.  And Two and a Half Men?  Yep, that’s still a thing.  These shows are the upper deckers of the network television toilet, and yet it’s Community that might get flushed.  I don’t know if that metaphor even made sense, but cut me some slack.  I’m no Troy Barnes when it comes to plumbing.

Here is the one good thing that could come out of the mid season break:  You now have some time to catch up on Community before it comes back on to finish the season.  Huzzah!!

It will be educational:

  • Learn what it takes to be a member of the chicken finger mafia
  • Take your paintball strategy up a notch, then another notch after that
  • Make it to Level 5 Laser Lotus in record time by staying “Streets Ahead”
  • Discover tactics of surviving a zombie outbreak
  • Study Batman Behavior 101
  • Find out a surprising way to defeat Norwegian Troll Dolls that defies logic
  • Finally learn the answer to the question “What’s dean got to do with it?”

So put up your best blanket fort and get to watching all the Greendale goodness you’ve been missing the past 3 years.  Hulu just picked up every episode if that helps motivate  you.  If that doesn’t do it, imagine me descending into the darkest depths of pathetic where I spend all my time creating YouTube Community tribute videos set to sad Sara McLachlan songs, decrying the demise of one of the best television comedies of all time.  Please do your part to prevent this.  I want to stay a mostly normal Human Being.

O Bambusrohr, O Bambusrohr

December 1, 2011

It’s that time of year again.  The lights have been painstakingly strung, crowds are anxiously gathering, and Tony Bennett is warming up to sing/speak some classic carols.  It’s the momentous lighting of the tree in Rockefeller Center!

Well, you can keep your big, fancy tree, NYC.  Because I have my bamboo poles.

A thing of beauty is a joy forever

That’s right.  In lieu of a Christmas tree this year, I have two bamboo rods.  I should let you know that this is not an attempt at holiday cheer that is born out of poverty, unless you are wealthy and would like to be my patron.  It’s more of a lazy, I don’t have time for all the picking out, decorating and cleaning up after a real tree situation.  Plus, using bamboo allows me to feel smugly superior to all you conifer killers out there.  It’s like the Prius of Christmas decorations.

There’s an argument to be made that it’s more like the Ford Taurus of Christmas decorations.  But that is an argument I will be ignoring.

The festivities went down thusly:  I put the poles in a planter.  I wrapped some white lights, to keep it classy, around the base of the planter and all the way up the bamboo.  It was then that I realized I needed to have some accompanying music for the hanging of the ornaments.  So, I sang “Bullet With Butterfly Wings”.  Shut up.  It mentions Jesus.  Once the decorative pine cones were in place it was time to find a topper.  And what is more appropriate than mistletoe for two poles that are bound together in a passionate, forever smooch by strands of lights?  Sorry, didn’t mean to get all PG-13 on you.  To appease the traditionalists, there is a star up there too.  And I’d also like to believe there are invisible angels circling at all times, singing glorious choruses of praise to the giant wood in my living room.  Rated R.