I threaten to close my Facebook account daily.  So many things on my timeline are mundane, ridiculous, whiny, self-congratulatory, idiotic, racist, sexist, homophobic, redundant or pitifully desperate.  Rarely is anything  informative, entertaining, snarky, clever, funny, generous, inspirational or worth the five minutes I spent scrolling down the page.  If it weren’t for out of town family and the few friends I care to keep in touch with, that account would be long gone.

I need more duck hunters on my Facebook

I have never been tempted to leave Twitter behind, however.  It is where I go to find all the things Facebook lacks.  The people there never disappoint me.  Handflapper is one of those people.  The ongoing saga between her and her arch nemesis, Hellbaby, entertains in ways Farmville could only dream of.  SO STOP WITH THE FARMVILLE REQUESTS!

Therefore, when Handflapper orders me to answer questions, I obey.  In answering these questions, I may have revealed myself to be a weirdo, but weirdos are usually pretty fun at parties.  As long as it is not a beach or space party in my case.  You’ll see.

1. What is your most irrational, ridiculous fear and in what way, if any, does this interfere with your daily activities?  Tsunamis are my irrational fear.  Or at least everyone thought it was irrational until there were like a million tsunamis (2) that devastated coastal landscapes in several countries.  It does interfere w/my life when I am on the coast, which is pretty frequently.  I am always looking for escape routes, or trying to determine which building/tree is the tallest and sturdiest.  I am not the person you should spend a relaxing day on the beach with.

2. Have you ever had head lice, and if yes, when?  No, but now my head itches.  I am very impressionable.

3. Picard or Kirk, and why? And if you don’t know what I’m talking about, you should. Shame on you.  I don’t know who Picard is, but it doesn’t matter.  Kirk all the way!  He was so dreamy in Growing Pains.  Okay, honestly.  I have no opinion.  In the nerd battle of Star Wars vs. Star Trek, I am Team I Hate Space.  No, really.  It’s another of my irrational fears. 

4. How often, ever if, do you sweep/vacuum your floors?  I actually just swept this morning while waiting for my coffee to brew.  Once a week is the norm, but don’t you dare ask me how often I mop.  That could get embarrassing.

5. What is the scariest movie you have ever seen?  I remember being pretty freaked out after watching What Lies Beneath.  That may have had more to do with the fact that my roommates were all gone, and the view from our living room was a graveyard.  Still not as scary as footage of a tsunami or NASA photographs, though.

6. What is the worst movie you have ever seen? (I love both scary and poorly made movies with all my heart.)  The best worst movie I have ever seen is The Room.  And honestly, it will be hard to beat that for sheer entertainment value.  Truly awful movies that I walked out on: Gigli and Simply Irresistible.

7. Have you ever peed in the shower? HONEST ANSWERS ONLY.  Of course.  That’s what happens when you are chugging beers in the shower.  College was a classy time.  I wore shower shoes.

8. What is it about coffee that you people like so much?  It’s a legal stimulant.  What’s not to like? 

9. Would you rather have a cupcake or a real, honest-to-goodness as-god-intended-it piece of cake? Think carefully before answering. I’ll totally judge you if you say cupcake.  Save your judgement for my irrational fears and college shower antics.  I choose cake!

10. How many Jeremy London movies have you seen, and for god’s sake, why?  I don’t know of any, but…..I did watch Party of Five!  He played Griffin, and he was adorable.  Also, Matthew Fox and Scott Wolf were there.  Plus some girls that really worked your eye rolling muscles.  Like that stripper that came between Kirsten and Charlie.  Ugh.  Don’t get me started.

11. Can you recommend any hardy menstruating prostitutes for a Bigfoot expedition?  Kim Kardashian.  Just think, if she and that hulking ex-husband of hers had decided to procreate, I am pretty sure their spawn could have been classified as a Sasquatch.  Her mom would have made a reality show about it.  Then no one could deny the existence of Bigfoot.  But, alas, it was not a provision in the fake marriage contract meant to be.



January 18, 2012

Can we all just agree that it has been a weird year so far.  Let’s do a brief recap of some of the recent madness.

Today the internet is broken.  Mostly because of geeky SOPA protests, which I support.  That sentence fragment may be unclear.  I do not support SOPA.  SOPA is a piece of shit.  I support the geeky protests which have resulted in sites like Wikipedia going black.  I took full advantage.  I asked my brother if he was aware that the treaty JFK signed with aliens at Area 51 was set to expire next year.  He spent 2 minutes trying to find any reference to the story online.  My brother is Jesse Ventura.

Titanic 2 happened.

Babyonce was born, and it turns out that cringe inducing internet name for her fetus was better than the name they gave her when she came out.

The best jokes at the Golden Globes this year were penis jokes, and not the ones Ricky Gervais told .  In fact, he was not all that funny this year.   Ah well.   At least I got some penis jokes out of the three hours I invested.  I do love a good penis joke.

Stephen Colbert is running for President of the United States of South Carolina.  Even though he’s not on the ballot.  And his Super Pac ran an ad calling Mitt Romney a serial killer.  And the voice over was done by Trinity Killer, John Lithgow!  I love the Republican primary so hard.

And finally, this.  This dude couldn’t stop The Happening from terrorizing us, so I have a few doubts about his ability to stop a hijacking and safely land an aircraft.  With his penis.  Dirk Diggler.  Always go out on a penis joke.

Hey, Blue

January 12, 2012

About to give this sweet girl career advice.

Hope you’re having a good week so far.  You finally made it onto Billboard’s chart.  About fucking time.  The thing to do now is just keep ’em coming.  Really keep your priorities straight because you may be tempted to just grab some R&R in your $3,000 crib after such a smashing success.  That would be a mistake.

Listen, I get that you want to enjoy a little time with family and friends, but that is no way to become a baby mogul.  Think more about collaborations with Chris Martin and less about play dates with Apple.  (Your understanding of language is a little rudimentary at this point.  Let me explain.  Yes, apple is also a piece of fruit as well as a software/tech company.  In this case the reference is to a human child belonging to Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow.  Hey, stop being so judgey, BLUE.)

There are some people you may want to work with if you are not feeling totally confident in your abilities at the moment:

Lady Gaga:  You don’t even have to sing/cry.  She will probably just wear you as a hat, and it will be awful.  But it will get attention.  Attention is all that matters in life.  Which leads us to…

Kanye West:  You are all too familiar with ego mania.  You see it all the time.  You could probably write a book, amiright?   (Hey, you should write a book.  Have your first draft done by next week.)  Anyway.  Uncle Ye will take that term to new levels.  Use it to your advantage.  Start sing/crying.  He will interrupt you and never let you finish, but you got a few syllables in.  Collab accomplished!  Fact:  That knock knock joke about the interrupting cow.  Totally based on Kanye.

Skrillex:  Just bang some pots and pans together.  Or do your signature sing/cry.  Whatever.  Just make noise.  A baby could manufacture this shit.  No offense.

Chris Brown: Don’t ever collaborate with Chris Brown!!!!!!

T Pain:  You are going to sound amazing auto tuned.  Be sure to do this one on a boat.

I won’t take up any more of your time.  You’ve got an empire to build.  But don’t get cocky kid.  Your name is still Blue Ivy which sound like a Sherwin Williams paint color.  (Endorsement opportunity!)

Island of Misfit Candy

December 22, 2011

I was digging through a  child’s Halloween candy stash this week.  Don’t even try to shame me.  It won’t work.  With less than a week until Christmas,  I knew what to expect, the proverbial and literal bottom of the Halloween candy barrel.  The primo candy, your Snickers, Twix, Starburst etc., is always the first to go.  But when you hit mid December there is nothing left but a pile of  taste bud travesty.  Here are the usual offenders:

-Twizzlers:  Ugh.  I know there are people who like this stuff, but I cannot figure out why.  It is a red rubber rope.  And that is how it tastes.  Rubbery.  And red.  Yummy?

-Chocolate Malt Balls: I was convinced as a child that they were moth balls that had been dipped in chocolate.  I stand by that.

-Tootsie Rolls:  And speaking of chocolate, who the hell do you think you are kidding, Ms Tootsie.  This tastes nothing like chocolate.  It looks like a turd.  It tastes worse.  How is this still a thing?

This is a dung heap of sugar.  It should be banished to the island of misfit candy.  And it better not even fucking try to weasel its way back into my life via stocking.

Community is my War Horse

December 8, 2011

You know that story, War Horse, where a boy’s beloved horse is sold to the Army during World War I.  The boy is completely distraught at the separation.  He would join the war effort himself  just to be close to his buddy, only he is too young.  So instead, he sits at home on Thursday nights and cries  for approximately 30 minutes, starting at 8pm.

Wait.  Nope.  That last one is me because Community is going away on a who knows how long hiatus, not to mention its questionable renewal status for a fourth season.  I feel like I’ve lost  my War Horse, my Horsebot 3000.  And if you assholes would have watched Community, not only would you get that reference, but it might not be going away!

I apologize for that outburst.  I just get so Changry knowing that Whitney has been promoted like a Kardashian wedding, but unlike a Kardashian marriage, it still exists.  And Two and a Half Men?  Yep, that’s still a thing.  These shows are the upper deckers of the network television toilet, and yet it’s Community that might get flushed.  I don’t know if that metaphor even made sense, but cut me some slack.  I’m no Troy Barnes when it comes to plumbing.

Here is the one good thing that could come out of the mid season break:  You now have some time to catch up on Community before it comes back on to finish the season.  Huzzah!!

It will be educational:

  • Learn what it takes to be a member of the chicken finger mafia
  • Take your paintball strategy up a notch, then another notch after that
  • Make it to Level 5 Laser Lotus in record time by staying “Streets Ahead”
  • Discover tactics of surviving a zombie outbreak
  • Study Batman Behavior 101
  • Find out a surprising way to defeat Norwegian Troll Dolls that defies logic
  • Finally learn the answer to the question “What’s dean got to do with it?”

So put up your best blanket fort and get to watching all the Greendale goodness you’ve been missing the past 3 years.  Hulu just picked up every episode if that helps motivate  you.  If that doesn’t do it, imagine me descending into the darkest depths of pathetic where I spend all my time creating YouTube Community tribute videos set to sad Sara McLachlan songs, decrying the demise of one of the best television comedies of all time.  Please do your part to prevent this.  I want to stay a mostly normal Human Being.

O Bambusrohr, O Bambusrohr

December 1, 2011

It’s that time of year again.  The lights have been painstakingly strung, crowds are anxiously gathering, and Tony Bennett is warming up to sing/speak some classic carols.  It’s the momentous lighting of the tree in Rockefeller Center!

Well, you can keep your big, fancy tree, NYC.  Because I have my bamboo poles.

A thing of beauty is a joy forever

That’s right.  In lieu of a Christmas tree this year, I have two bamboo rods.  I should let you know that this is not an attempt at holiday cheer that is born out of poverty, unless you are wealthy and would like to be my patron.  It’s more of a lazy, I don’t have time for all the picking out, decorating and cleaning up after a real tree situation.  Plus, using bamboo allows me to feel smugly superior to all you conifer killers out there.  It’s like the Prius of Christmas decorations.

There’s an argument to be made that it’s more like the Ford Taurus of Christmas decorations.  But that is an argument I will be ignoring.

The festivities went down thusly:  I put the poles in a planter.  I wrapped some white lights, to keep it classy, around the base of the planter and all the way up the bamboo.  It was then that I realized I needed to have some accompanying music for the hanging of the ornaments.  So, I sang “Bullet With Butterfly Wings”.  Shut up.  It mentions Jesus.  Once the decorative pine cones were in place it was time to find a topper.  And what is more appropriate than mistletoe for two poles that are bound together in a passionate, forever smooch by strands of lights?  Sorry, didn’t mean to get all PG-13 on you.  To appease the traditionalists, there is a star up there too.  And I’d also like to believe there are invisible angels circling at all times, singing glorious choruses of praise to the giant wood in my living room.  Rated R.